Intro

YAMI: (singing) Don't you wish your card games were fun like mine?

Yugi's Room

YUGI: (thinking) This chain should help keep my Millennium Puzzle safe from the various villains who are always challenging me to children's card games.

YAMI: Hey, give me some time with that mirror. I need to apply my makeup.

YUGI: God, you are such a s___.

YAMI: Yeah? Well...you're really small. Look at you down there! You're like... Smally McSmall. ...that's your name.

Outside Kame Game Store

TÉA: Hey, Yugi.

YUGI: Hey, Téa. What do you think of my new chain? Pretty pimp, huh?

TÉA: Teeheeheehee! It makes you look ridiculous!

YUGI: Well, I think it looks s__y.

TÉA: You look about as s__y as Mr. T!

YUGI: Oh, shut up! Let's just go to school, okay?

SOLOMON: Hmm. I wonder who they were?

t__le Sequence

Outside

TÉA: And then, this one time at duel camp, I put my deck in my-

YUGI: (interrupts) Hey, what's that?

BANDIT KEITH: (disguised as fortuneteller) Step right up and I will reveal your future... in America!

TÉA: What a crock!

YUGI: Maybe he can tell me when I'll finally hit p___rty!

BANDIT KEITH: In order to tell your future, I'll need you to give me your necklace.

YUGI: My puzzle? No way! Without it, I can't pretend to be good at card games.

BANDIT KEITH: Look, do you want your d___ fortune told or not?

YUGI: Well...okay then. (hands over the Puzzle)

BANDIT KEITH: I predict that you are a gullible idiot... in America! (runs off with Puzzle) Mwahahaha! ...in America.

TÉA: Yugi, I hate to break this to you, but you totally deserved that.

YUGI: Hey, come back! You didn't even tell me my fortune! (chases) Hmm...he must be hiding inside this abandoned warehouse.

Inside Warehouse

BANDIT KEITH: Welcome, Yugi! I see you've fallen right into my trap... in America! Now let's have a children's card game to decide who gets to keep your Millenium Item!

YUGI: But, you've already stolen it from me. If anything, I should be challenging you.

BANDIT KEITH: Look, can we just play the card game?

YUGI: You're new to this whole stealing thing, aren't you?

Outside

TÉA: Running!

BAKURA: (very awkward, still British) Yo, Téa. How's it hanging, dude?

TÉA: What the hell did you just say to me?

BAKURA: I'm trying to sound more American, so people won't pick on me as much.

TÉA: Well, stop it! You sound like you're from the 1970s!

BAKURA: Oh, come on baby, cut me some slack. Let's hang out together. It'll be totally cool.

TÉA: Somebody help! Bakura's gone insane!

YAMI BAKURA: Now that she's out of the way, I can concentrate on finding gay people! (pulls out Millennium Ring) Come on, little gaydar, work your magic.

Inside Warehouse

BANDIT KEITH: It's time to duel! In America!

YUGI: I don't know who you are, but I won't let you keep my puzzle. I summon the frustrated Celtic Guardian!

CELTIC GUARDIAN: I am so frustrated.

BANDIT KEITH: Your frustrated elf is no match for my machine monsters... in America! ("Mr. Roboto" plays in background)

YUGI: (thinking) Wait a minute... those monsters look kinda familiar. (out loud) Who are you? Show yourself! (Bandit Keith throws off hood) Oh my God, it's Bandit Keith! I had no idea! Super special awesome plot twist!

BANDIT KEITH: Yes, it's me, Bandit Keith. But I'm being controlled by somebody who isn't American.

YUGI: You mean, you're being manipulated?

BANDIT KEITH: That's right, little Yugi.

MARIK: (speaking through Bandit Keith) With my Millennium Rod, I can take control of whoever I want.

YUGI: And you chose Bandit Keith? Why the hell would you choose Bandit Keith? He sucks!

MARIK: It's simple. Americans are very easy to brainwash. Isn't that right, mind slave?

BANDIT KEITH: Whatever you say, Mr. President.

High School

JOEY: We've gotta save Yugi! So let's just skip school for the fiftieth time.

TRISTAN: You'd think they would've expelled us by now.

COACH: What is the meaning of this? You kids should be wearing your extremely tight gym shorts.

JOEY: Nyeh, sorry coach, but there's been an emergency.

TRISTAN: Somebody spoiled the new Harry Potter book for Téa, and she's very upset.

TÉA: All my fanfics are worthless now. (sniffles) Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

COACH: My pink sweater is moved by your story. By all means, take the day off school!

TÉA: Why didn't we just tell him the truth?

TRISTAN: Because lying is fun!

Inside Warehouse

YAMI BAKURA: (thinking) It looks like my Millennium Ring has led me to this warehouse. I haven't seen gay readings this strong since that screening of Showgirls. Hmm... that looks like Bandit Keith and Yugi. Someone must be manipulating this duel. Someone with a Millennium Item!

BANDIT KEITH: The Millennium Puzzle belongs to me! Wait a minute... this thing wasn't made in America! It must be destroyed!

YUGI: No! My chick magnet!

BAKURA: (swinging in on a rope) This looks like a job for Limey Man! (hits Bandit Keith)

BANDIT KEITH: Whoaaawhoaaawhoaa in America!

YUGI: Bakura! You saved me!

BAKURA: I'm here to kick a__ and drink cups of tea. And I'm all out of tea.

YUGI: I can't believe he broke my puzzle. I guess I'd better start putting it back together.

YAMI BAKURA: (thinking) Yes, Yugi. And when you do, there'll be a part of my soul inside it! Then, in about five hundred episodes, I'll put my evil plan into motion! I'm so diabolical it hurts. They don't call me Florence for nothing.

BAKURA: Here, Yugi. You forgot this piece.

YUGI: Thanks! Wow, you're being really helpful today, It's... kinda weird.

BAKURA: My mummy says I'm a good boy!

YUGI: You know, Bakura, I think I might be starting to respect you.

BAKURA: Thanks, Yugi. Oh b_____-! (falls off platform) Oh, my sensitive little bottom!

YUGI: Yeah, forget what I just said.

BAKURA: Catch you later, dude.

YUGI: Bye, Bakura! Try not to get beat up on the way to school!

YAMI BAKURA: Heh-heh...sucker.

MARIK: You have failed me Bandit Keith! And for that, you will suffer my wrath. ("La Marseillaise" plays in Bandit Keith's head)

BANDIT KEITH: There's a voice in my head! And it's French! The exact opposite of American! No! Stop torturing me! Okay, I admit it! I'm not really American, I'm Canadian! Is that what you wanted to hear, you b______? (starts a fire)

Outside Warehouse

TÉA: Look! That building's on fire! Somebody must be in big trouble!

TRISTAN: Let's forget about Yugi and help these guys instead!

Inside Warehouse

YUGI: Uhhhhn! Uhhhn! God, what was I thinking, getting that chain? I must be the dumbest anime character ever.

Outside Warehouse

TRISTAN: We're coming in! (touches door and hand sizzles) Ahaha! The door hurt me, Joey!

JOEY: Here, let me do it! (kicks at door) Nyeh! Nyeh! Nyeh!

Inside Warehouse

YUGI: Getting...so...hot...Don't know...if I'll... make it...

Outside Warehouse

JOEY: (kicks at door) Nyeh! Nyeh! Nyeh! Nyeh! Nyeh!

Inside Warehouse

YUGI: It sure would be nice if my friends showed up to help.

Outside Warehouse

JOEY: (kicks at door) Nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh!

Inside Warehouse

YUGI: Okay, seriously, where the hell are those guys?

JOEY and TRISTAN: (break in) Hah!

TRISTAN: Booyah!

BANDIT KEITH: Help! This building's haunted! By French people!

JOEY: Yug'! What're you doin'? We gotta get outta here!

YUGI: I...can't leave yet. Without my Puzzle... I can't be... a main character...

Outside Warehouse

TÉA: We didn't start the fire! It was always burning, since the world's been turning! Zoh my god, it's my Yugi-m___in!

JOEY: Don't worry, Téa. Aside from some third-degree burns and severe mental scarrin', he should be just fine.

TRISTAN: I'm a fireman!

Elsewhere

MARIK: It seems Bandit Keith was a waste of time. It looks like we'll just have to try again tomorrow night.

ODION: Gee, Brain, what're we gonna do tomorrow night?

MARIK: The same thing we do every night, binky-boy. Try to take over the world!

Ending: "Pinky and the Brain" theme plays

[fyi, téa ships harry and hedwig]

Stinger

YAMI MARIK: (as Ash from "Army of Darkness") All right, you primitive screwheads, listen up. This... is my BOOMSTICK!

Canada

BANDIT KEITH: (wearing a Canadian flag on his head) It sure is good to be back home... in CANADA!

See also:
JustSomeLyrics
73
73.64
鄭伊健 你狠心來傷我嗎 (22098 Live) Lyrics
Stephen Sondheim Sweeney Todd/By the Sea Lyrics