Original Cast Master Of The House Lyrics

THENARDIER
Welcome, M'sieur Sit yourself down
And meet the best Innkeeper in town
As for the rest, All of 'em crooks
Rooking their guests And cooking the books.
Seldom do you see Honest men like me
A gent of good intent Who's content to be

Master of the house Doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake And an open palm
Tells a saucy tale Makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favor
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price!

Master of the house Keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em Of a sou or two
Watering the wine Making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks
When they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!

THENARDIER & CHORUS
Master of the house Quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby To pass him by
Servant to the poor Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, And lifelong mate!
Everybody's boon companion Everybody's chaperone

THENARDIER
But lock up your valises
Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!

(To another new customer)

THENARDIER
Enter M'sieur Lay down your load
Unlace your boots And rest from the road

(Taking his bag)

This weighs a ton Travel's a curse
But here we strive To lighten your purse
Here the goose is cooked Here the fat is fried
And nothing's overlooked Till I'm satisfied...

Food beyond compare Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer And pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse Liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages With this and that

Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied Reasonable charges
Plus some little extras on the side!

Charge 'em for the lice Extra for the mice
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice There a little cut
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are a lot of tricks he knows
How it all increases All those bits and pieces
Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!

THENARDIER AND CHORUS
Master of the house Quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby To pass him by
Servant to the poor Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, And lifelong mate!
Everybody's boon companion Gives 'em everything he's got

THENARDIER
Dirty bunch of geezers Jesus! What a sorry little lot!

MME. THENARDIER
I used to dream That I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, Have you seen what's happened since?
'Master of the house?' Isn't worth me spit!
'Comforter, philosopher' - and lifelong s___!
Cunning little brain Regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover But there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature Landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted Living with this b______ in the house!

THENARDIER & CHORUS
Master of the house.

MME. THENARDIER
Master and a half!

THENARDIER & CHORUS
Comforter, philosopher

MME. THENARDIER
Ah, don't make me laugh!

THENARDIER & CHORUS
Servant to the poor. Butler to the great.

MME. THENARDIER
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!

THENARDIER & CHORUS
Everybody bless the landlord!
Everybody bless his spouse!

THENARDIER
Everybody raise a glass

MME. THENARDIER
Raise it up the master's a___.

ALL
Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!