Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6

If you are paranoid, we know what you are, and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressed it doesn't matter which one you press, no one will answer you.

If you are dyslexic, press 69696969

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later.

If you have low self-esteem, hang up, all our operators are too busy to talk to you

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