Ricky Gervais Show, The 2005.06.18 Lyrics

1. Karl Fake-ington
Karl has had a bad week, he's in bad books with his family for comments he made in Zoo Magazine about famous Auntie Nora. "Don't name her!" Karl pleads. The second bad event to happen to Karl was that a review of the show, written by Chris Campling from The Times, suggested that Karl is a character created by Gervais and Merchant, a work of ficton. Campers Pampers's shred of evidence was to point out recycled material (have you heard Gervais in interviews Chris? start ther ebefoe you have a go at Karl for recycling material). Steve says that he'd be ashamed if the show was scripted, he'd give up his BAFTA's, and adds that if KArl was a creation then he wouldn't be squandered on a "poxy radio station" like XFM. Gervais says the show is rubbish anyway and then pretends that the show actually is scripted, and he made up Campling, of whom Steve says the name "Campling" sounds like a gay person.

2. Nora Gate
Gervais says that Karl is actually Brent Hogwell, and actually speaks like Hugh Grant. The real Karl wonders is Campling would think that his bald head was put on for show. Comedian Gervais then seriously reassures Campling and London that Karl is real, and says that the journo could meet Karl or at least email in 5 subjects for Karl to talk about, then praises Campers on his grammar. Karl belatedly says that he's being treated like the elephant man, and that he recently discovered that the only part of John Merrick that wasn't affected by his disease were his genitals; "the only bit that you'd want like an elephat and he got the head," he says. Karl gave an interview to Zoo magazine where he discusses the Auntie Nora "incident". She came round to stay, had a kaftan on, Karl turned round and saw up her skirt, it looked like a "split tennis ball" apparantly. She used to put a valance on everything, although "not everything obviously" Karl adds. Wacky Manc then says he isn't concerned as Nora doesn't read Zoo magazine, "She's more of a Nuts woman." Steve wisecracks. One of Karl's cousins informed Karl's mother, althoug Nora herself is oblivious to "Zoo-gate".

3. Wedding Rows
Pilkington put his foot in it again the previous week, when, on air, he said that weddings were boring. Suzanne had to tell the couple whose wedding she and her lover were attending that Karl meant weddings in general. Karl says that there's no point to weddings, and he couldn't hear the ceremony anyway as a lady was breastfeeding her son. "How loud was it?" an incredulous Merchant wonders, he says that he gets annoyed with gift-buying for weddings, as he wants to see the recipients response when giving a gift, and that doesn't happen at the ceremony, the only appreciation comes in the form of a latter which may or may not contain a vague reference to the gift along with a photocopied signature, possibly with a mock-baby sign off, which annoys the lanky one. Karl isn't bothered; Suzanne sorted out the gift, a week in Cornwall with the maried couple. Steve begins totting up the number of times Karl says "an' that" in the show, and that maybe it could be a competition. Karl says that he already has a competition, Rockbusters, which is coming up later. "Tell me we've got Ladder 49?" Gervais hopes. "Definitely," Karl says without irony.

4. Down's Syndrome Town
Steve asks Karl if he saw a program called "The Strangest Village In Britain." Karl not only watched it, but called Ricky 6 times during it. The program contained a village where over 50% of the 300 inhabitants were mentally disabled and the other half were carers. Pilkington, who some might say should be in the village, liked two of the dwellers, who made their own language, but didn't like the quickfire questions fired at the mentals, as he couldn't work out the answers himself. He does want to holiday in the weird village however, and said that he'd hunt down a man in a woolie hat for a pint, as he's a good person. He'd avoid "the angry bloke" who punched a Down's Syndrome woman called Nan, who also got punched by someone else. The woolie hat man fell over and proposed marriage to a girl. On the subject of the disabled, Karl tells of a train journey from Manchester to London, where the only seat available was next to a Down's Syndrome lad, who greeted Karl with an "ALRIGHT?" in that loud voice they do. Karl was apprehensive about entering into the realms of conversation so went to sleep, but was awoken by a phone call from Gervais. The Down's Syndrome lad then said to Karl, "You're muscly," then pestered Karl into an arm wrestle, which he stopped and laughed at the Bod-like producer. That broke the ice, then they talked about food. The lad can't have Chineses food apparantly, although Karl didn't delve into that particular facet. The moral is that Karl enjoyed it when he broke past his prejudicial barrier, and made the lad happy.

5. Who Wants To Be... Bored
Ricky begins the link by eating free confectionary, which Steve advertises, although says it is too good to give away with Rockbusters, but there is LAdder 49, "the movie that no-one has seen" according to 6 foot 7 inch Merchant, who also gives away a National Lampoon movie that doesn't actually feature Chevy Chase, it's that bad, and it features a special appearance by Eric Idle. Here's the questions:

1. "Why don't you borrow some land of Mr. Boardman, Mr. Laurel or Mr. Fletcher, if... if you need a bit of it." - LS
2. "I'm going to annoy those seabirds over there." - B
3. "What the scouse fella said to the robber he found in his house, next to his vineyard." - AW

6. Bully Bike
Rikcy says that he is bringing back an old feature, "k___ News." Karl recaps the Rockbusters questions then tells of another weird person in the estate where he grew up; a woman who rode a three wheeled bike with her husband in the basket. Incidentally, he also says that nobody bought the school photos that featured the big headed kids, and says that there was a chemical plant nearby. The woman used to boss her husband about so Karl's Dad noticed this and went round to the woman's house pretending to be a policeman, to put the woman right. It worked apparantly, she "backed off after that." Gervais says that Karl's father won't be prosecuted. Karl said that his father and his friends used to do lots of vigilante work and scams.

7. Taylor Troubles
Steve does some more adertising, which makes me wonder if he'd appear in Celebrity Love Island if he was asked. Perhaps that's why he is having a fitted suit made, according to Ricky. Steve reasons this by saying that because of his appearance, it's impossible to buy off the peg. Karl wonders if Steve was asked "what side" his "member is on". "You mean what side do you dress?" Gervais says, then says that it would be left. "I'm sitting here now... I don't know where I am." Karl says, although he means his "member" not his brain. Pikington says that he doesn't mind if a taylor touches it as Karl can just go "woop" if the event occurs, and not in a celebratory way. Karl relates it to the classic finger up the a___ debate, then says he'd have to locate his "member" before informing a taylor of it. Ricky thinks it would be left or middle, and says that after the break the nation will find out, as he plays "Where's Karl's nob?"

8. p____-tories
The member was to the left, Steve thought it was to the right. "Where's Ricky's b______s?" Gervais suggests could be next week's competition, which links into Kno News, and the following stories:

s______

"Man Grows k___ On Arm."

s______

"Man Gets Doctor to Make Him Second k___."

s______

"Turkish Prisoners Make Hole In Wall To Produce Third Inmate."

s______

"Doctors Accidentally Remove Man's t_______s."

Ricky wants to hear more of the last story. Karl says that he's told him before, about a man who had an ear complaint and was called in by mistake, and the doctors removed his t_______s. Karl hated it when doctors say "Oh we do loads of these", he'd prefer them to say "Oh this is a tricky one this," to avoid medical complacency. Steve tells of the man with a second p____, whose wife left him because of it. Of the man who grew a p____ on his arm (to graft there, not a permanant fixture), Karl said "Why on the arm?", thinking that it would be better to graft on the b___ock, as "he can't wear a short sleeved shirt." The man's doctor said "women will never suspect", which amused Steve.

9. Another Disability Link
Rikcy is surprises by the amount of k___ news, and asks Karl for proper news. Karl tells of "Christ on a crisp", and of a man who can blow up baloons with his ears. Of the latter, Gervais is more impressed than Karl. Time for "Song With A Story", of which the featured track this week is "Pinball Wizard" by The Who. Ricky reminds Karl that it's not true. Karl doubts whether the "deaf dumb and blind kid" even knows he's playing pinball, then says that it's not a hard game in the first place but "if he's good at Pacman I'd go "b_____ hell"". Ricky sings the chorus with the word "Pacman" replacing "pinball". Steve says it's grim to be deaf, dumb and blind. Karl agrees, comparing it to the life of a tapeworm.

10. He Sure (doesn't know he's) Playing A Mean Pinball
Karl says that "Pinball Wizard" is depressing, and then suggests that the people shouldn't bother putting money into the machine; "Just let him hit the b___ons," he says. "Fair point," Ricky concedes, then insists that it isn't a true story in the first place. Karl asks Steve if he'd rather lose sight or hearing, he'd lose sight, Ricky would lose hearing. Karl says that that'd be ok as they're always together. Karl would lose his sight if he lived in Africa, or his hearing in New York.

11. Argum-onkeys
Rockbusters Answers:

1. LF - Lisa Stansfield (lease a Stan's field)
2. B - Buggles (bug gulls)
3. Aw - Amy Winehouse ("eh, me winehouse.")

Gavin from Edinburgh managed to get all those somehow.

Oooh chimpanzee that Monkey News: A monkey, Matty, 14, gets put in a zoo where he's the only monkey there, althouhg he's not actually a monkey, he's a chimp. It gets "pally" with the humans, "smokes f__s" etc. but then another monkey comes along, "something's said..". Sadly we don't get to hear any more as Gervais laughs really loud and Karl cuts to ads.