You know, Brian, we are privileged to live in this particular age of television programming.
Brian: Really? You think so? Seems to me that nearly all television these days is complete trash.
S: Yes, quite right. But never before in history have we had such a wide selection of trash.
B: Yeah, I guess you're right.
S: Of course I'm right! For example:

(start music from the FCC song from "PTV")
S: You've got megahits like "Idol" where Sanjaya took his bow
B: Just a little boy from India who made us all say "Wow!"
S: With a voice that makes you wanna just go out and kill a cow
Both: Here's the plain situation
A simple declaration
If you want it, you can find it on TV

B: You've got "Scrubs" on NBC in season seven and a half
With the antics of the lovable and talented Zach Braff
S: Who reminds us that a sitcom doesn't have to make you laugh
Both: You can try to deny it
But we can certify it
If you want it, you can find it on TV

B: And if you start to crave a brand new TV thrill
They're always brewing up some brand new primetime swill
S: Like the Geico cavemen

B: CBS was once a network that was reverent and clean
But today they've got some shows that are remarkably obscene
S: Like the show about a little boy who lives with Charlie Sheen
Both: Oh, there ain't nothin' to it
You'll click it on and view it
If you want it, you can find it on TV

(spoken)
B: You know, I think I'm getting the idea, Stewie
S: Ah? You see?
B: Absolutely! Hey - how about this:

(back to singing)
B: ABC has got a lineup that's refreshing and alive
With its hits like "Desperate Housewives" just continuing to thrive
S: And those women look sensational for being 65
Both: No, we won't oversell ya
We merely want to tell ya
If you want it, you can find it on TV

B: Now the peacock's having trouble simply staying in the race
So I hear they're bringing "Seinfeld" back to save a little face
S: And I hear Isaiah Washington is taking Kramer's place
Both: Oh, you may not ignore it
But boy, you can't ignore it
If you want it, you can find it on TV

B: Now "The Sopranos" is a show I'd recommend
S: Because you never know just how it's gonna-
(music and singing stop; screen goes black)

B: So to sum up the philosophy on which we're both agreed
All the garbage on the airwaves is a vital thing indeed
S: 'Cause without it, then Americans would have to learn to read
Both: And so up with the curtain
It's absolutely certain
If you want it, you can find it on TV!

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