Alan White Phistar Lyrics

Enough applying for jobs
to schools I wouldn't attend--
it's like a doctoral exam
that I can't comprehend--
my track hasn't tenured in a
major university.

(Tell me your career goals.)

Give me an endowed chair
amanuensis for ad libs
and an office that I can hear echoes in
with a desk big enough
for my egocentricity.

(So cite me your CV)

Get a JP lead for my MA thesis
voted Delphic Genius by Phronesis
get a Carus lecture
and a Festschrift at thirty-three.

(NYU or Princeton?)

I'll have an email box just for Oxford dons
my name badly sung on "Philosophy Songs"
and slipped between Hume and
Lewis, appropriately.

(So what's the stratagem?)

I'll publish so much that they'll perish
thought I'm anything but cherished-

Cause we're all just gonna be big Φ stars
and have our views raked over on a blog like TAR's
our quips are pithy and our footnotes neat
we'll all be mentioned from a usage feat
and coo over who our mentors are
as some magnitude of a Leiter star
we'll give good wishes with reflexive stares
get tenure granted with a year to spare
hey hey I'm gonna be a Φ star
hey hey I'm gonna be a Φ star

I want to be late like Ludwig sans the hassles
have lots of a__istants that I call vassals
get a lot of invitations
where I live opulently

(Another margarita. . .)

I will gloss my work
with newest language
get a cross-listing with friends I reference
a codependent
referentiality

(So what's the stratagem?)

I'll publish so much that they'll perish
thought I'm anything but cherished-

Cause we're all just gonna be big Φ stars
and have our views raked over on a blog like TAR's
our quips are pithy and our footnotes neat
we'll all be mentioned from a usage feat
and coo over who our mentors are
as some magnitude of a Leiter star
we'll give good wishes with reflexive stares
get tenure granted with a year to spare
we'll cry critics as wildest fools
excluded from our pluriverse by Sider house-rules
they'll toll your corpus with a death-bed knell
but supply you a clickable URL

hey hey I'm gonna be a Φ star
I'll publish notes
that flout tradition
and teach Russell with erudition

Have eighth-year TAs edit stuff so long
they accept all the blame when I'm proven wrong!

Cause we're all just gonna be big Φ stars
and have our views raked over on a blog like TAR's
our quips are pithy and our footnotes neat
we'll all be mentioned from a usage feat
and coo over who our mentors are
as some magnitude of a Leiter star
we'll give good wishes with reflexive stares
get tenure granted with a year to spare
we'll cry critics as wildest fools
excluded from our pluriverse by Sider house-rules
they'll toll your corpus with a death-bed knell
but provide you a clickable URL
hey hey I'm gonna be a Φ star
egw eimi I'm gonna be a Φ star!